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2nd July
2009
written by Tony
It's like they are both robots! Ooooh!

It's like they are both robots! Ooooh!

This is a stupid movie. I mean, there is a lot of exploding, shooting, robots and shooting robots, which is awesome, but from a strictly science fiction perspective (or real-person perspective) this is a stupid movie. I mean stupid lazy, not just moronic. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect anything more, but the more I thought about this movie afterwards, the more lazy and simplistic it seemed. I saw TS while I was in San Diego with the VP of my company. We were drinking a beer at the Yard House, which had good beer (but makes the claim that they have the word’s largest selection of on-tap beer, erroneously, as I’m quite sure the Flying Saucer in Nashville has a good deal more), when we decided to go see the movie. Naturally, this is a movie that our significant others did not want to see, and we both agreed that this was also a movie that required at least a modest buzz to be enjoyable. I will not detail the plot, because you already know it. Robots try to kill John Conner (Batman). Ta-da! What I am going to talk about instead are the things in this movie that made no sense and/or essentially crapped on the franchise (granted, this isn’t the first movie in the series to do so). First, let’s talk about the robots themselves. In the first movie the idea of a bipedal robot made some sense, since it was supposed to blend in as a secret assassin (a giant, naked, Austrian secret assassin). Later, the moviemakers decided that this big lumbering robot was also the core combatant component of the Skynet (evil, self-aware supercomputer) arsenal. Especially in this movie, this move makes no sense at all. You want to hunt humans, so you build a ½ ton steel person-shaped robot that is slow, clunky, has poor balance and blatant vulnerabilities (back of the head? Really?)? Seems foolish when you have the technology to build giant hovering battleships, house-sized robots with mysterious pulse weapons, and tiny, super-fast hovering observation units to “assist” the terminator robots.
I need the jacket, it gets really cold at night!

I need the jacket, it gets really cold at night! Also, RAWR!

So we have the cumbersome Terminators. Beyond that, why would a supercomputer waste resources on things like a skull shaped head, a jaw, teeth, arms and legs? And why would the only visual system be right where our eyes are? Admittedly, humans are not set up to survive in the wild very well at all. We’re slow, vulnerable, weak, have a lot of blind spots and we get knocked over too easily, so why use that design for your killer robot? Also, these terminators are sometimes shown wearing clothes (or rags, really) like torn khaki pants and turban-esque headgear. Clearly these robots aren’t dexterous or flexible enough to dress themselves, so who did, and why? Is this like some future version of cow-tipping? Extra points if you can get it to wear Hammer-pants! They’re not fooling anybody with this. And, in any case, the whole premise of the robots declaring war on humans makes no sense. Why would Skynet even care about people? It’s not like we can do anything about the computer, and we clearly aren’t competing with the robots in any real way, since all the resistance has are some machine guns and worn out warthog jets. I mean, they aren’t even smart enough to adapt the new technology of the robots and use it themselves in a meaningful way. Beyond not being able to use the robots’ technology, how is it that the robots are so far ahead of us? How would they be capable of building things that humans are not, since all of the their knowledge comes from what we have created? Whatever. I know I’m not supposed to pick a movie like this apart, since its intent is to be full of ridiculous explosions and robots and not much else. There is some cool stuff in the movie, until you actually think about it, and then a lot of it seems pretty lame and you start to wonder what’s so great about Skynet since it can’t even kill some humans with its crazy alien future technology.
"I EAT YOU!" (Said in a shrill, female cockney accent)

"I EAT YOU!" (Said in a shrill, female cockney accent)

Also, Helena Bonham Carter looks like a giant baby in the beginning of the movie when she is wearing her skull-cap (since she apparently isn’t a real crazy-ass because she didn’t shave her head. Unless she did, in which case: kudos to you and your freaky-shaped, giant baby head Ms. Carter). 2 out of 5

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