Main image
2nd March
2009
written by Tony
I could put a caption here, but what would I say? How about: "what does the title have to do with anything?"

I could put a caption here, but what would I say? How about: "what does the title have to do with anything?"

First off, let me state that we like Michael Cera, especially in Arrested Development. I think that was the biggest reason we decided to watch this movie (even though he claims to be on the fence about a possible AD movie, yet got right on board for this particular film. Little bastard). Secondly, I have nearly all of the music that they play throughout this movie and I am suddenly afraid that fact makes me a douchebag, because it certainly didn't do this movie any favors. Which is sad, because I thought I was pretty cool, "hip" even. To say this movie isn't any good would be doing it a disservice. It was terrible, dysfunctional, and generally misguided. I'm quite sure this wasn't written by anyone in the demographic it so obviously panders to (high schoolers) and I'm also quite sure it wasn't written by anyone who has been a teenager in a long time. In fact, I can't quite tell what the point of this movie is, why it exists, to be blunt. First, the high points: Michael Cera has a couple of moments where we see the subdued humor and self deprecating mentality that made him so  brilliant in Arrested Development (and Juno for that matter) and that's about it. Really. Anyway, so the basic plot is this: Nick (Cera) is now single, after his vapid, terrible, and unfaithful girlfriend dumped him. Apparently he has been a pathetic mess for a month after the end of their six-month relationship. On the other end of things, his ex keeps receiving and discarding mix CDs from Nick, CDs which Nora (actress name here) digs out of the trash and drools over. Apparently she is in love with Nick (sight unseen) because he makes a kick-ass mix. At least she isn't shallow. So then they meet at a show, she makes eyes at him while he plays guitar for the all gay (except him) band The Jerkoffs, unwittingly beginning a tepid encounter with the "man" she already has a crush on. In a bid to make Nick's ex believe that she actually has a date, Nora goes up to Nick and lays one on him after asking him to pretend to be her boyfriend for five minutes. Sudden ironic hilarity! Now his ex thinks her frenemy (Nora) is dating Nick, and Nick realizes that Nora knows his ex (how this escaped him after six months, I don't know) and the real show begins. Kill me. So Nick and Nora (at the insistence of of Nick's really gay friends) go out to look for a secret show by a band they both really like and have a night to remember. High pitched squeal! Except... Nora begins by being kind of  bitch and pretty much acting like she hates Nick (despite her earlier professions of love), and he proceeds to try and interrogate Nora about his ex. Oh, puppy love. So they spend the entire first half of the movie being terrible and and not really making anyone believe that they enjoy each other's company. Nora is dour, insulting and generally a drag and Nick is essentially oblivious and witlessly still in love with his witchy ex. This movie, apart from being terrible, reminds me of nothing more than the product of a group of people who are woefully out of touch. I guess it would be the two people who tag-team wrote the original book. Writer 1: Take some high school kids, what do they like to do? Writer 2: Stay out late! In New York!! Listen to music? Writer 1: Sweet! What's some music they like? Writer 2: I have no idea. I'll ask my douchebag hipster friends, because ostensibly they have good taste. Writer 1: Okay, but these kids have to be too mature for their age in some ways, while inexplicably immature in others. And they always have to be able to find a parking space right in front of where they are going, never get carded and get right in to any club they want, because that is what 17 year-olds think is awesome! Writer 2: We're geniuses! Any way we can work a 17 year old girl getting a handjob into this? Because I know that would disturb and totally creep out anyone over the age of 18 watching this. High fives! It's like I was there, right? Also, that last part, totally true. Granted, they don't show anything explicit (think felony, though Nora is 22 in real life, this scenario still makes it really disturbing) but there are some sounds and enough innuendos so that we all know what happened (gag reflex), and that is seriously creepy. And if only that were the only creepy part. There is also the dance Nick's ex does for him that is no less than worthy of the scaggiest strip club. How a high school girl learned to move in such an abhorrent way is beyond the scope of this film, and frankly makes me even more certain that no high school students ever had any experiences close that what happened in this movie. Things pretty much wind down after this, they find the band the have been looking for all night (their set starting at a rather unbelievable 5 a.m., c'mon, I know New York is the city that never sleeps, but people actually do sleep) and then there is one last confusing moment before everything wraps up. Apparently everyone in the entire movie found the super secret show, and Nick's ex (who he essentially left for dead by the river after her failed attempt at reconciliation/sexy dancing) wants him to watch the show with her and Nora's creepy, half drunk, Fonze-esque Jewish rapper(?) on again off again "friend with benefits" (ew) drags her over to his side and tells her how it is. Enter sudden moment of confusion.
Say what?!

Say what?!

They both remember that they high-fived the shortstop not too long ago (please don't make me say it. Also, I'm coining that phrase if someone else hasn't already), but now the terrible people they left behind have found them, what do they do? Thankfully neither one of them has to really resolve the situation because of outside intervention and the movie is essentially over now, finally. So, if you want a movie that has a weak plot, is horribly cloying and insincere and ends up really creeping you out, this is the show for you. Steph actually went so far as to say that she liked this movie less than Twilight, and I can easily see where she is coming from on that. Twilight is amazingly horrible, but at least the horror provides some watching enjoyment, whereas here, you kind of just want to die the whole time. Enough said. Kill me now out of 5

6 Comments

  1. 03/03/2009

    Oh, that’s too bad! We have this on our Netflix list…in fact, it’s on a wait. Bah. Is the soundtrack good at least?

  2. 03/03/2009

    It’s hard for me to say for sure. Looking at the track list on Amazon, there are a few artists on there I’m not familiar with (about half, actually). I liked most of the music they played in the movie, so I would tend to think this soundtrack will bear some resemblance to what was in the film. Who knows? It isn’t the track listing I expected based on what I heard in the movie while we were watching it.

  3. 03/03/2009

    We love our sweet and awkward George Michael, too. It’s a shame this movie is so awful.

    On a good note: http://www2.canada.com/entertainment/michael+cera+joins+arrested+development+movie/1337323/story.html?id=1337323

    Hurrah! I did a happy dance when I ready this. :). Nothing will give me more joy than seeing G.O.B. and his illusions on the big screen.

  4. 03/04/2009

    Chavonne, best news ever! I’m so excited for the AD movie, and doubly so now that George Michael is on board. TV hasn’t been the same since Arrested went off the air…

  5. Ben
    08/18/2009

    I just watched this movie out of pure morbid curiosity mostly due to your review. Speaking of which was exactly my feelings during this whole movie even after being forewarned of it. I really can’t think of any other movie that has repulsed me so much in one sitting. Both from just the characters all around disregard for their “friends” and also pretty much everything Caroline does throughout that movie is completely vile. What a steaming pile of horrid cinema.

  6. 11/01/2011

    Yikes. I’ve always had a semi interest in this movie (mainly because of George Michael, like you), but the entire “hipster concert” plotline put me off of ever seeing it. I find it incredibly maddening (and nigh impossible) that 17 year olds can act like jaded hipsters in that fashion.

    Teenager characters need to be either TOTALLY mature for their age (like John Hughes heroine) or act their age. Writers who mix the two don’t seem to know what they’re doing.

    Maybe I should still check out the book?

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